


my shoulders weigh more than i can take

by Woahsos



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Michael and calum are only mentioned, Sad Luke Hemmings, Suicidal Thoughts, like pretty heavy angst i think??, maybe?? kind of?? just in case, nothing graphic tho, this is quite the projection fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:29:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27217951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woahsos/pseuds/Woahsos
Summary: Luke is lying on the floor, staring blankly at the ceiling. All the lights in his room are turned off, only the setting sun weakly illuminating him. There’s music softly coming from his phone, which is resting on his chest. Ashton can’t tell what song it is, but it sounds like strings, which is fairly telling.orsome cheeky lashton angst
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 38





	my shoulders weigh more than i can take

The house is unusually quiet when Ashton walks through the front door. Eerily so. A deafening silence that is decidedly not normal. Normally there is music or the television or the sounds of someone else puttering around.

Ashton is hesitant to call out to Luke, worried that something might crack or jump out at him if he makes even the slightest bit of noise. Cautiously, he makes his way down the hallway to where Luke’s bedroom door is cracked. He knocks quietly; a muffled grunt is his answer. 

Slowly pushing the door open, the sight he’s met with is much better than what he had come up with when he first entered the house. 

Luke is lying on the floor, staring blankly at the ceiling. All the lights in his room are turned off, only the setting sun weakly illuminating him. There’s music softly coming from his phone, which is resting on his chest. Ashton can’t tell what song it is, but it sounds like strings, which is fairly telling.

Luke’s dull eyes barely flick over to Ashton when he sits down next to him. Up close, he can see that Luke’s hair is slightly greasy and there are dark grayish-purple circles under his eyes. There’s nothing behind his normally bright eyes and Ashton’s pulse pounds a little harder.

He’s not sure what he’s meant to ask, if he’s meant to ask anything at all. This isn’t what he’s used to; he’s used to screaming and crying, violent outbursts, drinking. He can deal with those. This dead silence is new. It scares him.

Tentatively, he reaches out for Luke’s hand. He’s expecting, hoping even, for Luke to shove him off or curse at him or  _ something _ . Some type of reaction to prove that Luke is alive and real. His lack of response only serves to worry Ashton further.

But the silence is too much for him. He has to break it before it breaks one of them. “What’s going on?”

Luke doesn’t answer for a moment. He stays staring at the ceiling while Ashton stares at him, wishing he knew what to do. Luke’s never been like this; Ashton’s never been like this either. Both of them feel their emotions fully and loudly, demanding everyone else to hear it. Ashton can’t just sit and soak in his feelings, which is what Luke seems to be doing. He’s never tried it, to be fair, but it seemed too dangerous. Maybe that’s why seeing Luke like this worries him so much; there are too many possibilities.

“I just feel,” Luke starts, and then takes in a breath. A sigh, almost. His eyes still haven’t strayed from a fixed point on the ceiling. Ashton squeezes his hand a little. He squeezes back, but it’s weak. “I feel like someone has put the world's heaviest blanket on my shoulders, and it just keeps weighing me down.”

That, Ashton can deal with. He’s been there before, knows that feeling. Most of his younger years were spent feeling that same way. But it breaks his heart to know that Luke’s feeling it, that Luke might be getting used to that feeling. Nothing good ever comes from that feeling. There is almost no chance of productivity or lifting yourself out of it. You can’t just decide to take the blanket off. 

Ashton hasn’t even thought of what he wants to say when Luke speaks again, “I keep telling myself that I just have to get through today. And tomorrow, I won’t feel any different and I’ll just tell myself that I just have to get through the day. But, I’m so tired of just  _ getting through _ the days.”

Ashton desperately wishes that there were tears or screaming to go along with his words. He hates how flat Luke sounds, how unaffected he seems. There’s no way for him to tell what Luke’s feeling, if he’s feeling anything at all. Ashton feels lost and useless, which is not what either of them need. 

“Sometimes getting through the days is all you can do,” Ashton whispers. 

Luke closes his eyes and sharply exhales, which is probably the biggest reaction Ashton’s going to get out of him. “I miss living. Being excited and doing things. Feeling alive.”

Ashton doesn’t suggest that he just go out and do something, knows it isn’t that easy. He knows that the walks and the trips to the grocery store aren’t enough, but he also knows how daunting everything else seems. It’s too much for Luke to handle, seeing the people living their lives, a life that they can’t have. Even though Ashton knows that, deep down, it’s not a life that either of them truly want. But, sometimes it’s nice to fantasize, and sometimes it hurts when fantasy is all it’ll ever be. 

He can suggest a middle ground, at least. “Why don’t we invite Cal and Mike over for lunch tomorrow?”

There’s no answer; Ashton gives him time to think it over. The sun has long since set and Luke’s phone stopped playing a while ago. But, now that Ashton knows where Luke is and has heard him speak, the silence is bearable. The dark isn’t terrifying. He can still see Luke, is still holding his hand, feeling his pulse. He can hear Luke breathe, see the rise and fall of his chest, can see his eyes moving under his closed lids. Honestly, that’s all Ashton can ask for right now. Just having Luke here is enough to fill the vacant parts of him. 

He can only hope that he’s enough for Luke, too. 

Finally, Luke nods. 

Ashton is quick to send off a text to Michael and Calum, who enthusiastically agree and vow to bring their dogs. It’s enough to light hope in Ashton’s chest, and it grows when he looks back at Luke, who’s face seems more at peace. When he finally opens his eyes, they’re the slightest bit brighter, resembling a midday sky after the clouds have dissipated. It’s one step away from where they were, one step closer to something more. To living again. 

He can’t really help it when he leans forward to press a light kiss to Luke’s cheek, which brings some color to it. It’s definitely not something new. They’ve been doing it for years now, an unspoken agreement for the bond they have. But maybe Ashton’s been slacking, hasn’t been showing Luke what he means to him as much as he deserves. Even if he has, he thinks he could always do it more. 

Luke turns his head to give Ashton the smallest of smiles. Naturally, Ashton’s face splits into the biggest grin he’s worn all week. “Come on,” He whispers, standing up and holding his hand out for Luke. “Come sleep in my bed tonight, with me.”

He does. Ashton holds him close, desperate to connect them at every point and keep Luke as safe as he can, for the rest of time.

**Author's Note:**

> uhh,,,??? i am sad and frustrated so i wrote this.  
> wanted to say thank you to the club for being my ashton when i need it, i could never repay you all enough <3  
> comments and kudos are always appreciated.  
> come talk to me on tumblr @escapesos
> 
> title from "god save me, but don't drown me out" by yungblud (it's actually quite a hopeful song i highly recommend it)


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